Development

I have feelings. I have beliefs, which I have come to understand that they should be kept internal, as in not vocalized, unless asked of. I have memories, which I treat in a similar way, but my feelings really shouldn't be bottled up. However, any time I try to express them, they never translate. I feel as though nobody knows who I really am, although I am a part of that nobody. I guess more self-discovery is necessary. I should really establish myself within my own life again, I have been getting walked over lately because of my lack of confrontation, but there has got to be a better way of peaceful existence than total passivity to those around you. I mean, I guess the unconscious would want my influence, since what I know would help them overcome fear. My only worry in "bursting forth" in this manner is: am I even ready? Have I overcome my own problems yet? I mean, obviously not, but does that mean by starting, they would bleed into my message? I simply do not know what to do. I'm sure this is the origin of meditation, because that is the only thing I can think to do at the moment that can't harm anything any more. I admit, I am afraid.

Feeling Adept

I feel as though I am being blindly guided down a trail, as if by fate or the essence of GOD himself, and each next step reveals itself to me any time I accept my position. Being true to my action seemed very easy within the scope of my own ego, but interaction involving others require a lot more focus than I had originally anticipated. I have much to learn always, but the small island of knowledge I have accumulated is a very comforting place to sleep in. I may need to cut down on the substance intake, especially alcohol(this is a permanent decision), but maybe bud as well.

I broke a girl's heart yesterday. Perhaps not all at once, but after some time, I suppose it had to have been my destructive intention. She had the look in her eye of a child first witnessing lightning, and first knowing fear. I can't believe I would fight to clear all the demons from her world only to become the greatest of all of them. I know passion and it's effects are only temporary, but I truly know what love is from this girl. A never-ending patience. A binary true, and timeless in all regards. To indulge in this physical form any more is scary to me, but I suppose I should learn of that as well. Securities grant me no interest. I hope to find allies in this study into the unknown, but perhaps alone is the way I must learn until I have a suredness in myself once again. I take another step.

How to Live Life

Finally, after 18 years of confusion and anger, distrust and denial, I have learned how to live. This is something I could never have asked for, because it is something I have never known before. Something that was just outside my scope of understanding, and yet has been there all along: happiness. The simplest and purest of all energies, happiness is innate to all things living and dying, and yet somehow I never realized where it was, or how to find it, until I finally looked within, to who I really was, and there it was. But this wasn't an easy reflection. This wasn't something I found on my own, although it really should have been. I was so close so many times before, but doubt always drew me away from that fountain within all of us that is intrinsic value, and it wasn't until I lost my pull that I was able to push myself over the edge. One of my brothers had to die for me to learn to live, and in that fact, I owe him everything. I owe Matthew Colby a eulogy for everything, and this is my best attempt at that.